Thursday, September 15, 2011

Divorce...................??

I was wondering if anyone could please tell me any experiences they've had with divorce?


How stressful is a divorce for both parties?


What is involved? and how do you help a friend who is just beginning the divorce proccess???|||Emotionally, mentally and physical exhausting, grief for the loss of the person but they are still there, depression and anxiety, fear for the future, paranoia about almost anything, shock, anger, loneliness and isolation., loss of confidence and self esteem......then the dirty tactics start, you realise any promises made whatever they may be will not be kept.





Then the solicitor you appoint to help you get a fair share, totals up all the matrimonial assets and then know exactly what you can afford to pay for their services leaving you with little or nothing and expects you to be grateful, you realise that 'yours' and 'their' solicitors are working hand in hand prior to court not to get the best deal for their client but to barter for an agreement and if one party won't budge on something at all and demands simple clauses like " not being contacted at work or having their employers contacted" before they agree, what it really means is that when they fail to pay court awarded maintenance, you have to spend 8 years fighting a clause before you can get an Attachment of Earnings order ( which involves contacting their employer)








Oh boy is it stressful, if you survive and if you do you may still end up a gibbering wreck or an alcoholic or addicted to perscription medication or just not trusting anyone, so it totally changes your outlook, your relationships and in my case a total fear of any type of commitent.





It isn't long before you realise that court orders and judgements mean nothing and will not be honoured by your ex or soon to be ex and the courts will do little or nothing about it....and that legal justice is non existent.





You notice married friends keeping away thinking you are all of a sudden after their husbands, people crossing the street so they don't have to speak to you, invites from friends drop off...so more paranoia sets in and so you avoid them.





My ex told our kids, I had cheated throughout our 24 year marriage several times and he had always forgiven me but I never had, I never even thought about anyone else but him, I loved him to bits, but he put enough doubt in their mind, reminding them of times ( a week or two) he was not at home when they were younger, saying he had left me several times because of my affairs, the reality was he was away on business and we spoke everyday on the phone.......and I could go on.





10 years on I have never gone out with another guy, it frightens me to death, he re-married 2 months after the divorce the girlfriend he told the kids he met after he left me, reality is he was setting up a new home 6 months prior to leaving me, re-mortgaging our paid for home and hiding the money in new accounts he set up, emptying our joint bank accounts, forging my signature on our share certificates and cashing them in, selling our second home, emptying our childrens trust accounts you name it he did it, all to stop me getting anything, yet it was all my money which purchased our first home. if you want to get away with criminal activity it is easy to do it when you are divorcing as it is a civil case and you just haven't got the energy or the money to fight a criminal case and because of the divorce the police and the CPS just don't want to know.....and when the court awarded me the house because of his deceptivenss, it means you sell it, then pay off the mortgage ( he took out and hid) and get the very little left which goes to pay solicitors fees , so you end up with nothing.





I had two friends who listened, gave me a shoulder to cry on ( when I had the energy) they accepted me whatever mood I was in, whatever I ranted about, arranged simple things like a pub meal or paid for an eyelash tint, they would sit and listen for hours and bless them smile and welcome me everytime I called, they encouraged me to fight and not give up and gave me some hope that I was not totally mad however bad it looked or sounded, they believed in me...they were real GOLD friends.





Just be there, listen and believe in your friend.|||One thing to keep in mind are the children if you have any. I do, and it takes a lot of compassion and understanding to help them get through the divorce as well. I am using, "Stop Fighting Over the Kids," by Mike Mastracci. An amazing book.


http://www.StopFightingOverTheKids.com/

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|||I wrote an article on what to not tell children during a divorce. Here is the link:





http://www.associatedcontent.c鈥?/a>

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|||Divorce can be very traumatic, and the experience depends on the emotional makeup of BOTH partners as well as who wants out, the reasons why and to what degree. When their is a violation of trust (very common) the offended often experiences life-changing angst and has great challenges moving on.

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|||i say you need a divorce coach, all your questions can be answered, here is a divorce coach i found on the internet. http://www.baumeandco.com.au/divorceAndChildren

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|||here is a poem i wrote about divorces


CUT APART


spinning,no control,overseeing


how much love can you give a true human being


your hearts touch for life


and when it splits it feels as if a knife.

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|||divorce can be emoitionally stressful for sure im going through one rite now,it only gets worse if you are both trying to get assets,luckly for me there is none so it should be straight and quick although i have to prove his unreasonable behaivouir more so i can have it granted by the courts,usually it doesnt take long the respondant just fiils out a form signs it and then away you go,the only thing you can do to help a friend going through one is support them and be there when they need to be comforted :)|||For my family, divorce was a relief. My mom divorced my dad because he was emotionally and physically abusive. I am sure it can be stressful and not fun, but sometimes it's better than staying together. Especially when there are kids involved. If you have a good family/support system, that helps a lot. You will get through it|||I went thru one myself. Even though I was for it, it was hard emotionally. Its like a death of a person. This is someone you chose to be with forever. You feel like a failure. You feel like you wasted years of your life. You lose security and dreams, and your goals are squashed. You lose your mutual friends and your life turns upside down. You feel like your starting life over - back to the drawing board- like your 18yrs old all over again. Your afraid of what the future holds for you. You feel lonely even when your in a room full of people. You even get depressed. Maybe even wonder if you made the right decision at the right time or if you should have hung in there. You wonder where your going to live or if you would ever find love again or destined to be alone for the rest of your life.





What changed me? I joined a divorce recovery group at church. It was VERY helpful. They said you have to let out all your hurt. Never keep it in you cause its like a cancer that spreads. Let it all out! Listen to the sad songs, cry, talk about it, work on yourself to accept it all.


A friend of mine kept pushing me to go out, after a month i finally got out. My aunt drug me out with her and her husband and all these other "couples". I felt like all were looking at me being lonely. But after I noticed that they could care less about me, I started to get more confident. I started to learn to enjoy myself. I'd go out to eat, go to the movies by myself. Felt like I was in control of my life. Started to feel proud, even. I couldn't have done it without the support and push of friends and family.|||Most divorces are stressful to both parties and some can be darn right ugly and brutal..... and particularly stressful to children. If your friend is going through a divorce, just be a shoulder for her to cry on, to talk to...whatever she needs.|||if your still in love its really hard to go through a divorce. if you hate him its really hard going through divorce, if you pity him different ball game this is extremely difficult....good luck

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